37
by memoriesofdarkness
Summary: This is the 37th letter. I wonder how many more there will be before I find you again. It's been too long Levi. Way too long. For 2000 years I've been waiting for you. I can't wait any longer. Not anymore. Ereri. Riren. AU. Reincarnation. Oneshot.


**A/N:** I know I should be focusing on 'My Neighbor's Friend', but I was depressed and craving for reincarnation fics. So I had to get this one off my chest.

I love these two boys! T_T

 **Summary:** This is the 37th letter. I wonder how many more there will be before I find you again. It's been too long Levi. Way too long. For 2000 years I've been waiting for you. I can't wait any longer. Not anymore.

 **Warning:** Manga Spoilers till chapter 90, so don't read if you're not up to date with the manga.

* * *

Levi,

I can feel myself smile as I write your name. _Levi_. The name escapes my lips in a whisper. Like a prayer. A silent call. A desperate cry. I lie in my bed at nights, alone. Missing you. Missing your warmth, your voice. I lie awake and I whisper your name. Feel the way it rolls down my lips. Recall those moments when I used to whisper it against your lips, in the dark of the night. Our small heaven inside a hell surrounded by walls and giants. I play those memories in my head over and over, your name in my lips, until it turns into chanting. It sounds crazy, doesn't it? Will you believe me if I tell you this is the only way I'm keeping my sanity alive?

I wonder how you're doing. Are you in military this time too? It suits you after all. I vividly remember how I used to look up to you. Humanity's strongest. My hero. My savior. When that childish admiration turned into something so much stronger, I didn't know. I only knew that I couldn't lose you. And before I knew it, you'd become the center of my world. Every day I worked a bit harder than the previous, because of you. Armin knew. He used to encourage me to open up to you. But I couldn't do that, could I? You were the Captain. The symbol of the Survey Corps. Why would you even look at someone like me? Me, a monster not unlike the ones you were so good at killing. But then, you risked your life to save me from Rod Reiss. I'd given up on everything. Myself, my hope, my strength. Hands and feet chained, ready to die. And there you were. Saving me from the world, from myself too I guess. I can still feel how tightly you held onto my hand, our fingers intertwined. And for a moment, I let myself believe that maybe, maybe you feel something for me too. Even if it was just a little. I was happy with that. Content with knowing the fact that somehow you cared for me too, in your own way. You were there, always there. Wiping my face when I coughed up blood, carrying me back when I collapsed. You never said anything. But you were there. And that was more than enough.

I'm caught up in the past again, aren't I? It's funny how something that used to make me question my own sanity has now become my anchor to hold onto the very same thing. The nightmares that used to make me scream at night have now turned into painful and aching memories that give me the sense of hope that maybe I haven't lost you. Not yet. I wonder what you'd have to say to this. Maybe you'll say that this is a waste of the second chance I've been given. That I should accept this world and this life, and move on with it. But I can't, Levi! I'm still that same Eren Jaeger. The one that knelt in that court, the one that shared meals with you, the one that followed you till his last breath. The same Eren Jaeger that fell in love with his Captain, even though he knew he didn't deserve you. I'm stuck in the past Levi, and don't wanna let go. Because letting it go will mean letting you go too. And I'd rather die a thousand deaths than do it.

You knew, didn't you? How hopelessly in love I was. Well, I suppose I wasn't very subtle with it either. I knew I was staring at you longer than I should, but I couldn't stop. To me, that was enough. Watching you from the side and admiring you for everything that you were. I was too preoccupied in my own thoughts that I never noticed how your gaze had started to linger too. I wouldn't have believed even if I did notice. I'd probably have disregarded it thinking it was my own imagination. You'd lost your squad because of me. I never stopped blaming myself for it. Why would you look at me with anything other than contempt? And then, I was selfish enough to compel you to save Armin instead of Erwin. I forced you to save my best friend, and letting yours die. I even fought you for it. I didn't regret saving Armin, never. I knew it was the only choice I could make. I'd already lost too many, I just couldn't bear to lose any more. But I forgot that you'd lost so much more. I let my selfishness take control of me and pushed you to sacrifice yet again. I hated myself for it. I wasn't any better than the titans. I was a monster too. Taking from you again and again, never giving anything back. An ungrateful selfish monster, and still so much in love with you. I couldn't bear to look you in the eye, afraid of seeing the hatred I knew I truly deserved.

Do you remember Levi? The life we shared all those years ago? Or have you forgotten? Maybe you're living a peaceful life. Managing your own tea shop perhaps. You always loved tea. I'm sure you still do. Maybe right now you're sitting on your porch, sipping black tea your wife has brought just a while ago. Maybe she's sitting with you too, and you both are watching as your children play in the lawn. But it hurts to imagine that. I'm sorry Levi. I guess I'm selfish in this life too. I can't bear the thought of seeing you with someone else. Like I couldn't back in those days. Do you remember? The day we went to the ocean. It was a beautiful ride. I'd kept my hair long. The wind made the strands whip over my face as I rode the horse towards the horizon. I'd never felt so free before. And then, there it was. The ocean. Blue and restless and huge. So huge! Stretched as far as the eyes could see. I closed my eyes and felt the salt water lapping at my feet. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. Yes, we were still fighting for freedom, for survival. A fight against a world we didn't even know existed before that journey to the basement. But this was the biggest step we'd ever taken. I opened my eyes and looked back. I was still carrying the heavy burden of guilt inside me, still unable to meet your eyes. So I looked back cautiously to just take a peek at you and I saw it. The look on your face. You were talking to Hange, and after such a long time, you looked genuinely happy. She said something in your ears. Your lips curved into a small smirk. And I felt the raw flames of jealousy burn every inch of my flesh. It was so intense, I felt out of breath for a moment. Anger crawled through me, clawing under my skin, telling me to do something, anything! I watched as your eyes slowly descended on mine, and suddenly I was back to my senses. I remember how I averted my eyes as quickly as I could, how I felt a foreign feeling in my chest while riding back to the headquarters. I remember how you called me in your office that night. And when I went in, how you pushed me against the door and kissed me with such passion that left my bones feeling like jelly.

Where are you Levi? Do you miss me too? Do you also spend the nights lying awake in bed, staring at nothing, and reminiscing the past? Have you found any of them? Hange, Erwin, Mike, Nanaba? Or maybe Petra, Oluo, Eld or Gunther? I wonder how all of them are doing. Maybe you guys get together for drinks, like old times. I hope you're not alone this time, wherever you are. I hope you've found Isabel and Farlan. I remember that one time you talked about them. I could feel the pain hidden beneath your nonchalant voice, and I knew how much they meant to you. How much you missed them. I never met them, but I'm sure they're wonderful people. I remember you looking into my eyes and telling me how they resembled Isabel's. I hope this time you're looking into her eyes and telling her how much they resemble mine, and in your mind you're waiting for the day when you'll look into my eyes again. I hope you guys are living well, supporting one another just like before. I hope Isabel is being as bubbly as ever and you're secretly amused even though you only show annoyance. She knows that, I'm sure. And I hope Farlan is watching over both of you, like he always did. It's funny. I don't even know them, but still they feel like family to me. I suppose we all are connected somehow, us who are given another chance at life because the first one was way too cruel and unfair.

I have a decent life here. Mikasa is my biological sister this time around. Our parents are alive and healthy. I go to college with Armin and Jean, work part time in a café with Historia and Sasha. Ymir comes to the café almost every evening, and then Sasha has to call Connie to cover for Historia's shift. I met Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie in an old bookshop one day. We still keep in touch. Marco is alive in this life. Jean found him a couple of months ago, wandering around our campus. Apparently, he'd found out from somewhere that Jean was here, and so he booked the next flight and landed here to search for his long-lost soulmate. I'm happy for them, of course. But it also makes me miss you even more. Whenever I see Ymir and Historia, or Sasha and Connie or Jean and Marco, I feel like I should get my chance too. It hurts Levi. To see them with their loved ones, while I'm here unable to do anything except writing letters after letters. I want to be with my loved one too. I want to feel you in my arms, feel those lips press against mine. Softly. Roughly. I want to fall asleep on your lap and wake up in your arms. I want to hear you whisper my name, with that rough undertone your voice takes in the heat of passion. I want to hear your playful remarks and those horrid jokes. I want you stare at your eyes, without the fear of losing you the next moment.

Life was cruel to us before. It took me away before you. I'm sorry Levi. I'm sorry for leaving you alone even though we'd promised to live for each other. I'm sorry for breaking our promise, for letting you down over and over again. But this second chance that we've been given, this time I want to make everything right. I want to hold on to you and never let go. I want to love you, and cherish you, and shower you with all the adoration you deserve. I want to tell you I love you before falling asleep, and then again after waking up. I want to start my days with you. Toast and black tea. And pancakes. Sometimes bacon. I want to share a goodbye kiss when you leave for office and I for college. And share a welcome home kiss when we both get back. I want to celebrate Valentine's day, and new year. And Christmas of course. It's your birthday after all. Do you know I bake a cake on 25th December every year? Yes. I do it from scratch, with my own hands. Then I light candles in my room. And in the middle of those soft glowing lights, I cut the cake and whisper a little 'Happy Birthday Levi'. I want to share these moments with you. I want to share my life with you, again. As long as I live. As many times as I'm reborn.

Come back to me, please. I want you here. I need you here. With me. I'm tired Levi. I'm tired of living alone. Tired of the sleepless nights. Tired of missing your arms around me. The pain in my heart grows stronger every waking moment. And I desperately reach out just to find that you're not here. It's suffocating. This life, this peaceful world – all of this means nothing to me without you by my side. It's frustrating. Exhausting. Painful. But I won't give up Levi. Not until I find you. I know you're out there somewhere. Maybe you're looking for me too. Searching desperately just like me. Don't worry love. We'll find each other soon. I know we will! And when we do, I'll show you these letters. Letters that I've been writing for the past two years. Pouring my soul into each of them. So that when you read them, you'll know how precious you are to me. How much I treasure you in my heart.

This is the 37th letter. I wonder how many more there will be before I find you again. It's been too long Levi. Way too long. For 2000 years I've been waiting for you. I can't wait any longer. Not anymore.

Come back to me love. I miss you. I miss you so badly. So please, hurry up and come back to me. Lift me in your arms even though I'm taller than you and call me 'Brat' with that familiar fondness. Come back so I can bury my face in your shoulder and cry the tears I've been saving for two thousand years.

Come back to me. My hero. My savior. My Captain. My Levi.

I love you. I love you more than words can ever comprehend. It's like the ocean. Blue and restless and huge. So huge! And I'm tired of holding it inside me all this time.

So I beg you. Don't keep me waiting anymore. Please come back. Please!

I'll be waiting. Until that day.

Your shitty brat,

Eren

* * *

 **A/N:** SnK is fucking heartbreaking! I'm still not over Mike's death in season 2. For me, that was the most gruesome, painful and scary death in the anime yet. Isayama is so cruel T_T

And still, here I am. Waiting for season 3, to feel more pain and heartbreak. I guess we all are ^^

Reviews are very much appreciated! 3  
And thank you for reading~


End file.
